— Trench. Sylvia Trench. I admire your luck, Mr — ?
— Bond. James Bond.
Welcome to the first episode of our new podcast, Bondfinger. In this episode, Brendan, Richard, Nathan and James watch and discuss the first proper Bond film: Dr No (1962), starring Sean Connery, Ursula Andress and John Kitzmiller.
Siamese Fighting Fish. Fascinating creatures. Brave, but on the whole, stupid. Yes, they’re stupid… except for the occasional one such as we have here, who waits. Waits until the survivor is so exhausted that he cannot defend himself. And then, like SPECTRE, he strikes.
In our second commentary track, Richard, Brendan, Sutekh the cat and James (oh, James!) hop on board the Orient Express (probably), where they fight over Robert Shaw, obsess inexplicably over Daniella Bianchi, and tell you everything you never wanted to know about Sean Connery’s increasingly unconvincing series of toupées.
This month, Brendan, Nathan and James watch and comment on one of the all-time Bond classics: Goldfinger. On the way, we find ourselves discussing golfing without underwear, the joys of bourbon, exposition pool tables and, of course, Little James himself. Over and over again.
But of course! I forgot your ego, Mr Bond. James Bond, who only has to make love to a woman and she starts to hear heavenly choirs singing. She repents and immediately returns to the side of right and virtue. But not this one.
In this episode, Brendan, Nathan and James head off to the irrigation therapy room to watch Thunderball. On the way, we tell you how to set off a nuclear bomb, try and pronounce the name Llewellyn, speculate about sexy grandfathers and watch carefully-trained sharks being brutally slaughtered.
– Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?
– You think we better, huh?
– No, just different. Like Peking Duck is different from Russian Caviar, but I love them both.
– Darling, I give you very best duck.
Brendan, Richard, Nathan and James have been surgically altered to look like Romulans and sent off to the embarrassingly exotic Orient to confront the hideous Doctor Evil. On the way, they discuss Danger 5, stirring your martini, landing helicopters in the studio, pig-faced girls, orientalism, sexism, and dozens of potential future podcast projects.
— And I’m Thumper. Is there something we can do for you?
— I can think of several things, off hand…
Brendan, Nathan, Richard and James have each been paid £1.25 million to appear in this episode of Bondfinger, which means that we have no money left to pay Ken Adam, John Barry or any of the makeup girls. Sorry about that.
– Good to see you Mr Bond. Things’ve been awfully dull round here. Bureaucrats running the whole place. Everything done by the book. Can’t make a decision unless the computer gives you the go ahead. Now you’re on this. I hope we’re going to have some gratuitous sex and violence!
– I certainly hope so too.
For legal reasons, this month, Brendan, Nathan, Richard and James have decided to do a remake of Bondfinger Episode 4, with much more exciting lighting and production design and a much less coherent script. But all is not lost. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Max von Sydow, Rowan Atkinson and Pamela Salem to the world of Bond, and Never Say Never Again.