– I don’t know. But the world’s greatest terrorist running around with six kilos of weapons-grade plutonium can’t be good. I have to get it back, or somebody’s gonna have my ass.
– First things first.
After a series of violent and expensive elocution lessons, Robert Carlyle returns to the big screen as the villainous Renard, whose terrifying plans to destroy Istanbul nearly inspire Pierce Brosnan to attempt his first facial expression in his role as Bond. Oh, and Mummy gets tied to a bomb or something.
– Thanks. It comes from growing up in a rough neighbourhood. You were pretty good with the bike.
– Thank you. It comes from not growing up at all.
We’re straight on to Pierce’s second film, in which he teams up with Nathan’s cousin-in-law to defeat a villain who is in equal parts Ted Turner, Rupert Murdoch and that guy who played the Master in Doctor Who that one time. It’s like a bunch of previous Bond films rolled in to one violently stirred vodka martini, really.
– Good morning, Mr Bond, sit. I’m Defense Minister Dimitri Mishkin. So, by what means shall we execute you, Commander Bond?
– What, no small talk? No chit chat? That’s the trouble with the world today. No one takes the time to do a really sinister interrogation anymore. It’s a lost art.
This month, the entire franchise is retooled and the lead has been recast from the menswear department from Grace Brothers, but somehow we all manage to find these facts less compelling than the recent and terribly upsetting death of Sir Roger Moore. Cheerio, darling!
When it gets up to your ankles, you’re going to beg to tell me everything. When it gets up to your knees, you’ll kiss my ass to kill you.
This week, we’re still as dark and edgy as ever, but instead of commenting on a fun and witty espionage thriller, we’re consumed by a thirst for revenge, like so many tiresome action heroes of the 1990s. There’s also some stuff about cocaine mixed with petrol, which comes with so many warnings from the Surgeon General that you can barely fit them on the side of an oil tanker.
We’re back after a two-year break, and somehow we’re darker, sexier, edgier, and a whole lot more Welsh. Brendan’s hot and bothered, James is seeking other podcasting opportunities, and Nathan is weirdly obsessed with the Dalton hair. He’s probably just jealous.
Well, it’s our last ever Rodgecast, and we couldn’t be more upset to see him go. (Although he only appears in this film for about five minutes: in most scenes he is played by one of a team of about three dozen stuntmen.) To console ourselves, we share a few bottles of bubbles, while we discuss flirting grandparents, pranking Roger in bed, the absence of Ken Adam, the worst actors to play Bond villains, the curse of Goldfinger, and the terrible disappointment of a flaccid zeppelin.
– Good to see you Mr Bond. Things’ve been awfully dull round here. Bureaucrats running the whole place. Everything done by the book. Can’t make a decision unless the computer gives you the go ahead. Now you’re on this. I hope we’re going to have some gratuitous sex and violence!
– I certainly hope so too.
For legal reasons, this month, Brendan, Nathan, Richard and James have decided to do a remake of Bondfinger Episode 4, with much more exciting lighting and production design and a much less coherent script. But all is not lost. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Max von Sydow, Rowan Atkinson and Pamela Salem to the world of Bond, and Never Say Never Again.
– You must be joking! 007 on an island populated exclusively by women? We won’t see him till dawn!
This month, we’re throwing political correctness to the winds, and trying out every conceivable Indian stereotype. Brendan is sleeping on a bed of nails, Nathan is swallowing swords, Richard is charming snakes, and (strangely) James is dressing as Agnetha from the music video of SOS. It’s the second best Bond film of 1983 (or is it?). Welcome to Octopussy.
– Mr. Bond! We can do a deal! I’ll by you a delicatessen in stainless steel! Please!
– Alright, keep your hair on!
– Put me down! Put me down!
– Oh, you want to get off?
This month, Brendan, Nathan, Richard and James decide to rein it all back in — we’re dumping into a chimney the whole idea of taking over the world, and instead we’ll just do a whole lot of skiing, rock-climbing and wrangling over a eighties-era electronic calculators. Oh, and punching Lynn-Holly Johnson in the face. For Your Eyes Only-y-y!
Mr Bond, you persist in defying my efforts to provide an amusing death for you.
This month, Brendan, Nathan, Richard and James watch the widely reviled 1979 classic Moonraker, and to their absolute delight, they discover that it’s actually really good. Of course, they also criticise some terrible kerning, wince at the series’ most upsetting death, and wonder if Drax’s guards can actually hear anything under all that.